Trying

I hope no one thought I was suggesting in my last post that staying at home with your child isn't beneficial.  I think some people do a wonderful job of it; I just don't think I would.  I really am not sure I have enough patience.  I really don't.  I also don't think there's any way I could give L what he gets at daycare as far as the interactions and activities.  I'm afraid we would watch Yo Gabba Gabba and Fresh Beat Band all day.  And then I would feel like a major failure!   I would much prefer he gets to dance and paint with his new girlfriend "Pey-pey"and all the other kids, who obviously aren't in my home!

Speaking of someone around at home, it would appear I am in the midst of a two-week wait once again.  Yes, that's right, we are trying.   Again.  I have been really hesitant to write about it here, as there are a few IRL readers, and I just wasn't ready to go there yet.  I don't know why.    Maybe it makes it all more REAL then.   D and I really weren't sure we wanted to try again.  Not just because we didn't want to go through the whole stressful, expensive PROCESS again (although definitely that), but because we truly weren't sure we wanted another child. We weren't sure we could handle it. L was not an easy baby.  He wasn't content.  He was needy and fussy and sick a lot.   He really took it out of us.  I wish I could be one of the women who gushes that her husband is the most patient, tolerant, BEST father ever.    But I wouldn't really be truthful then.  DH doesn't handle tantrums/stress/screaming" well.   He doesn't have much patience.  He is selfish with his time.  He was 34 when we got married and 37 when L was born.  He had many years of doing his own thing.   Evidently that is a hard habit to break.  That is just the truth. And I guess sometimes the truth isn't all unicorns and rainbows in Parentville.   I'm not saying he is a poor father. Really, I don't have much to compare him to, as we don't know what goes on behind closed doors in other people's homes.  Maybe I am frustrated by things he does or doesn't do because of my own issues.  Who knows. He loves L with his whole heart, and we takes turns with pretty much every "duty".   He can't stop talking about how much he misses him when he's away. 

And I'm not singing my own praises from atop my Perfect Parenting Mountain here.  I'll be the first to admit I am selfish with my time too.   I am independent.  I like to do my own thing.  We are a work in progress and we're doing the best we know how.  And yet.  Here we are, taking the leap again.  D's grandma, his last living grandparent, passed away this last fall.  I guess it got the wheels turning in our heads.  We didn't want to deprive L of the chance to have a sibling because WE are selfish.  We don't want to regret not trying.  We want to give him a sibling.  It's just the thought of actually HAVING another one scared the shit out of us.    We decided to TRY.   That's all we can do, as infertiles, I guess.

So I went off the pill, figured out my cycles are still screwed up causing a too-short luteal phase, and went straight back to my RE.   I'm not getting any younger here!  However, we are not willing to take ANY real chance of multiples this time around, and we're not going to do IVF, so we don't have any real aggressive options. (Last time my successful cycle yielded 3 mature follies.  Yikes).   After doing 1 monitored, unmedicated cycle, they confirmed that my follies grow too slowly, which causes my lining to be in the wrong "phase" and my LP to be too short.    So I just completed a letrozole/IUI cycle(with trigger and progesterone supps).   I got 1 mature follicle only, which is not ideal. But hey, it's a start.

So that's my story.   I felt like it was time to share.  I feel better now!